


can you see me (past my smile)

by cheoliewoo



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Anorexic, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Self-Harm, bulimic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29065653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheoliewoo/pseuds/cheoliewoo
Summary: too many times has mingyu found wonwoo lying on the floor not being able to move because he's too hungrytoo many times has mingyu found wonwoo in the bathroom screaming but not being able to hear it because he can't feel himselftoo many times has wonwoo let down mingyu
Kudos: 7





	can you see me (past my smile)

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a vent, I did not read it again cause I would probably hate it so keep it in mind 
> 
> if you're triggered by self harm, implied eating disorders, fainting, death, depictions of derealization, depression, please click away and do not read this vent

they can't see it if he keeps talking  
they can't see it if he keeps laughing  
they can't see it if he keeps smiling  
they can't see anything, until he lets them

but wonwoo doesn't feel worthy enough to be felt, to be seen, to be helped 

too many times has mingyu found wonwoo lying on the floor not being able to move because he's too hungry  
too many times has mingyu found wonwoo in the bathroom screaming but not being able to hear it because he can't feel himself  
too many times has wonwoo let down mingyu 

even then, wonwoo still gets up everyday, wonwoo still manages to bring himself to work, to smile, to act like he's fine 

\---

''hey! heard some screams coming from your room last night, were you watching some film with mingyu?'' jeonghan asked

"yeah, got scary"  
wonwoo wasn't lying, but he wasn't telling the truth. was he supposed to say that he was lying on the floor screaming because he slit his arms and can't feel himself?? or that he couldn't stand up and almost passed out because he hasn't eaten all day. or should he tell jeonghan that he's not even sure whether or not he's in a dream or in reality whilst standing there. yeah, neither. 

they wouldn't know anyway. as long as he said the right words, made the right expressions, showed them the right things, they wouldn't know how his heart feels like it got ripped open every minute of the day and that he couldn't feel his own arms because of how much they were stinging from last night. 

wonwoo isn't even that sick, he'll be fine. 

\---

the manager walked into the practice room, asking for wonwoo to meet him after practice. the young man walked into a meeting room filled with people who were twice his size, he felt how tense the air was, if he even had the energy to sprint, he would, but he doesn't, so he didn't.  
"we've noticed that your performance had gotten slobby, is there any reason for that? you know that the concert is just around the corner right? you will be standing in a stadium filled with hundreds and thousands of people, do you really want them to pay $300 for a ticket just to see some bamboo stick swing his arms around??"  
wonwoo didn't hear half of what he said cause all he could hear was ringing.  
as if it was built into him, he apologized, saying that he'll try harder next time, promising not to dissapoint anybody else. he was on autopilot. 

as wonwoo left the room, the ringing didn't stop. he tried looking for something to stabilize himself on and he felt a shoulder, a familiar shoulder, one that he has learned on many times  
"wonwoo are you okay?"  
"wonwoo look at me"  
"can you hear me?"  
"dude look at me"  
he finally registers that someone is talking to him but by the time he did, all he saw was black, his heard his ears get flooded, then felt a thud. 

all wonwoo felt was a sense of serenity


End file.
